My Lonely Blue Company

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It is easy for us, when we are not so watchful of our own tendencies to grow mellow about ourselves. We tend to indulge in the worst case scenarios, trying to solve problems of our own imaginings in our head, pushing situations thinking hard about something, as if the very thought we have and the harder we think about it, the better we get to control something, or the better we are at not letting some things get out of control.

I find it amusing at times, when I go about my day, that I find myself, so terribly scared. I get scared of every thing. Period. Maybe it has to do with my own tendencies, maybe it has to do with some of my own past, biological, whatever crap that's been tossed about in the making of me.I for one, do not know for sure. I get carried away, with the lives of people around me, and I forget for a temporary moment, that whatever is nagging at me, is still there.

Is it because that I am such a private person, who has such difficulty in sharing, with people, that I am a bit silly in my head? Is it because, by nature, my sensitivity somehow manages to pull me a bit further from the noisy clatter of real life, well I have no clue. Is it because that the times, when I really wanted to have a friend that that I did not get the attention that was called for, makes me now quite restless when it comes to being able to just be.

I can be, myself, in my own wholeness, when I am by my lonesome, when loneliness seeps into the background, and I do not mind. But at times, loneliness can play with our heads, making the blessing of solitude, an unexpected curse. And I indulge in thoughts of deficiency or lack in the quality that makes people like me. I cringe, and I hate myself. The circle of self-loathing starts again, quietly as it begins, then for a time, to continue until it stops. A breath of air, to forget the dark.

Then smiles, laughter, joy, understanding, enthusiasm even, all in a bundle, comes out of me. I am by now, used to the cycle of this. Lost meanings. I see people and I imitate them, in this I am just a copy cat, with nothing solid inside. I am not extremely sad to the point of all tears, nor am I extremely happy that I bounce about all the time. I just do not feel that much of intensity in the emotions.

Day 1: So I'm happy now. Hurray.
Day 2: Oh no, I'm sad now. Oh! Tears.

This disturbs me. I used to be extremely psyched over one thing or another. Used to be all tears about on thing or another that I honestly think, that to lessen the intensity of these variety of emotions, is a sign of sure growth on my part! Oh I wish it is all there is to maturity.

But no. There it comes, apathy. Now that, I have known the trick to tone some of my emotions down, I am greeted by indifference. I feel there is a kind of drama towards the extreme show of emotions, and this reminds me of the soap operas on TV that I despise. Love, betrayal, lies and lost, whatnot.

Frankly, on my behalf, I just feel quite deadened inside to everything. And so I indulge myself. With all the dead things inside, I wonder what more is there to indulge. But the mind, is quite a mystery. It keeps on working to amuse itself, and of course, a splendid read is a must.

So, I trudge on everyday, to find some meaning in this existent. It's kind of lonely.