If your litter bin, the kind that's made to be placed outside of your home so that the waste collectors may unload it onto their vehicle, along with your trash, goes missing, would you file a report to the police? Have you ever stolen a litter bin before? Why would you want to steal a nasty litter bin even if it has wheels? These may seem like weird and random questions but please share your thoughts generously in the comment sections below.

Now you may wonder - Why is the writer of this blog so interested in litter bins? Does she have some chronic obsession with litter bins in general? What's the deal with missing litter containers that she has to blog about them? Is she a trash bin collector? Does she even have a life?

Calm down! Your concerns are overwhelming my telepathic brain. The sudden inquiry about your personal views on what you would do when your litter bin goes missing is brought on by this hilarious notice we received today from the mail box.

It's a notice to inform that we'll be getting a free litter bin of 120 liter capacity. You'd think that it's a really wonderful news, but not so much, after you go through the "Terms Of Usage For Wheelie Litter Bin".

Nothing's ever absolutely free these days, not even bloody trash cans. There's always a catch somewhere, isn't it?

So, apparently the litter bin has a cheesy name. It's Wheelie, why how cute, if it's not so smelly after prolonged use! So let's go through the terms one by one and let's see if you catch the idiocy of complicating a simple process of waste removal if everyone would just play their own role in maintaining a high standard of cleanliness, regardless of whether they use Wheelie or not.

Now, instead of bringing out the awareness among our dear people that cleanliness starts from home and extends to our businesses, we have a private company slinging out new rules about how to handle the bins they give out for free.

And here are the terms in bold letters, and my commentary in italic.

1. This bin is distributed Free by XXX to owner/tenant of business and residential premises.
Oh my, you are the best XXX. Nobody's ever given a free litter bin to me! I love you!

2. Every bin is equipped with a serial number by scheme area and will be recorded into XXX system database.
Why don't you just equip the bin with a GPS tracker instead. The bins of the world will revolt, I'm certain of it.

3. This bin is compulsory to be used by premise owners/tenants for disposing household waste like kitchen waste.
How nice of you to give it free and then make it obligatory. You sly one, you.

4. XXX will not collect waste from any other bin.
Bin discrimination! I will not let my other bins suffer from this mistreatment! I refuse to use your free bin!

5. Premise owners/tenants are responsible for the care of the bin.
Well now that it's your free bin that we're talking about, we have no choice now, do we?

6. Premise owners/tenants are responsible for any damage of the bin caused by owner/tenant negligence.
Goodness. You're being naggy now. Hmph.

7. Premise owners/tenants are required to purchase a new bin from XXX at the cos of RM120 per unit if the bin is badly damaged due to owner/tenant negligence.
Why would I want to purchase an expensive bin from you when I can get another one at a cheaper price? It works the same way too!

8. If damage of bin is caused by XXX general workers, premise owners/tenants are required to report to XXX via the public complaint number as indicated on the bin.
So now we have to maintain communication with you.

9. If the bin is stolen, premise owners/tenants are required to lodge a police report and notify XXX for further action.
This is the most hilarious thing I've read all day. A police report for a missing trash bin! I can imagine a whole interesting conversation between the police and my mother (not with me, because I'm selectively mute, at least in this situation):

Police: Hello, can I help you?
My Mom: Um yes, I would like to report a missing case.
Police: Please sit down and let me help you fill up a form or two.
My Mom: Thanks.. You see, it's our free trash bin. It's gone.
Police: What's that again, Mrs..?
My Mom: The bin from XXX has gone missing for 3 complete days now. I'm told to make a report immediately, or else we may be in trouble! I don't want no trouble!
Police: Let me see if I can do something for you.

Conversation ends as a mental asylum worker bursts through a door to accompany my mother to a 'safe room' to talk more about the missing bin conspiracy.

10. Premise owners/tenants are prohibited to change ownership, transfer or sell the bin.
Who are these people who swap nasty trash bins?

11. Premise owners/tenants are required to notify XXX if shifting to a new premise/house.
So now you get to parent and stalk us? Who'd know that it all started with a free trash bin.

12. Premise owners/tenants are prohibited to secure or chain the bin to any structure (gate, water pipelines etc) so that it can be wheeled to the rear refuse collection vehicle to be emptied by XXX workers.
Ha, yes we all know that Wheelie needs to be wheeled for it to be of any use.

13. Premise owners/tenants are prohibited to smear/smudge house number with any form of paint on the bin.
This is just being too finicky. We want the bins to have unique personalities. Why must you be so constrictive!

14. Premise owners/tenants are prohibited to dispose twigs/sticks, bricks, concrete, dusts, hot ashes or any other form of materials that can damage the bin.
Dust-free? Are you insane? The bin will be exposed to the natural elements all day and night. How can it not have dusts? Where I live, you'll get more than dusts. The lizards will stain your free bin with a splatter of uniquely shaped excrement for sheer fun!

15. Please ensure to place the bin outside of the premise on the collection day before the collection vehicle arrives.
Of course we know this. We've had waste collectors coming before your unique free-bin idea and they weren't anally-retentive.

16. Please follow the proper practices of disposing waste to ensure long lasting of bin and a cleaner environment.
Please stop nagging. It is the public areas that are nasty. Why don't you preach and teach there instead?

Now, we move on to a section that lists a 'Proper Way of Disposing Waste'

1. Please place all waste neatly in a plastic bag before discarding into the bin.
Yes, because some people can be disgustingly unhygienic and irresponsible.

2. Please ensure to drain any liquid/water from the food waste before putting into the plastic bag.
What else? Should we filter out the fish bones from the rotten fruits?

3. Please ensure that the plastic bag is not torn to avoid leachate spillage.
Accidents happen, especially during 'durian season'!

4. Please segregate waste from recyclables to be collected during the recyclable collection day (to be notified later) or send it to any recycling centre.
I'll wait for that notification in case this whole free-bin for the people idea collapses before the free Wheelie gets wheeled out to the masses.

5. Please ensure that the bin lid always remain close to avoid water from being collected in the bin.
I don't control the violent winds, heavy rains or the quality of the free bin that's been given to me.

6. Premise owners/tenants are encouraged to clean/wash the bin at least once a week.
Some people don't even shower that frequent (not talking about me, of course) and thus, the idea of washing a trash bin at least once a week is a tad ridiculous. Let nature breathe fresh air into dear Wheelie.

Image Credit:
Clown painting by Bernard Buffet
Nagging Insignificance by Adam Parsons