People-Watching by Ira Mitchell

People-watching is a hobby of mine. I do it discreetly to avoid appearing like a complete lunatic. Also, I hate to be on the receiving end of other people's random eyeballs. It's disturbing to suddenly realize that you have become a target for someone's on-the-go people research as they wait for their food to arrive.

And that is why we all need an easy guide to assist us in people-watching the right way.

Discreet eyeballing is always best

Never stare at another human being while he or she is aware of it. Be mindful of your own eyeballs. Your eyes may lack brain but you'd always like to think that you're the grand author of your life, right? Sam Harris will tell you that free will is an illusion and if you subscribe to this idea so intensely, you can use it to make excuses for your failure to exercise your own free will in hopes that the cute girl/guy will give you her/his time of the day for being supremely charming.

If you're caught staring, smile immediately

The smile will diffuse the awkwardness. After all, a smile from a stranger is better than a perverted glance from another. If the person you have stared at is eyeballing you back with suspicion, stop smiling and start doing whatever that feels natural so the awkwardness doesn't expand.

Sometimes, the person that you've innocently stared at longer than 3 seconds may actually be the bigger creepy douche than you are, so try to cast your gaze downwards and never look at his/her direction again.

Never stare at other people's kids no matter how cute they are

This is common sense. No matter how adorable the infant or toddler is, try not to be so bloody excited to the point of being straight-up boundary-blinded psycho. Never try to carry other people's children after you've stared at them like they're lost puppies unless you have totally lost your mind and wouldn't mind a punch and a side-punch to your face.

People-watch like a natural

You know how cats dislike overt attention that may seem to be particularly intrusive to them? Well human beings are like that. If you want to watch, study or research the human specimen and its very peculiar interactions with other human specimens, blend in with the crowd.

Appear as though you're just one of them, chewing on your snacks, drinking your expensive coffee while looking like you're lost in some deep reverie. The moment you stop being natural in your environment and start eye-stalking other people inappropriately, you will invite the wrath of testosterone-overloaded blokes, if you are a man.

If your a female, please tone the gaze down woman. While it's still unheard of for ladies to punch other strange ladies for staring here in my side of earth, we should all practice simple good manners.

If you're eyeballing a dude because he's got the swag of Ryan Gosling, for goodness' sakes, try and be a little classy so that you'd be able to snap his photo when he's not looking and then send it to me!

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